The Discovery Channel has Mythbusters, where they look at various myths and see how plausible they may be using some science, History Channel has Ancient Aliens, where we see Giorgio Tsoukalos and friends make up science about ancient myths, and now that season three has started, we can tune in to TruTV to watch Conspiracy Theory with Jesse Venture, where we can watch an aging wrestler yell at things about myths and legends.
The first episode of the new season was all about the Reptilians. Who are the Reptilians you ask, why, they are only the shape changing super lizards from space that run our government, that’s all.
No, seriously, there are people that believe that space lizards who live underground are actually in charge of everything. For evidence of this, they look at slowed down videos of politicians and celebrities, then pick out frames where some video artifact makes it look weird and call it evidence. You see, even though they have been doing this for centuries without being caught, they apparently can’t control their shape shifting ability. You’ll be talking to one of these people, and then suddenly, they have lizard eyes or will sprout scales or even a tail. You might expect this to give them away, but you see, it super fast, thus, you have people watch youtube videos frame by frame until they find it. It’s a topic so ridiculous that not even Ancient Aliens will touch it, but that won’t stop Jesse Ventura.
The show features Jesse’s team, of jackasses, Tyrel Ventura (Jesse’s son), Sean Stone (Oliver Stone’s son), and June Sarpong (a Member of the Most Excellent Order of the British Empire, which is basically a step below being knighted), who go around interviewing people and gathering evidence. In this episode, that means that first, they talk to a woman who claims to be a half breed, and talks about shape shifting into her reptilian form all the time, just not while people with cameras are around. After about five minutes of her reminiscing about growing tails, she starts acting weird. This is it folks, she’s about to change into a lizard person. She twitches a little, looking around nervously, having trouble speaking, and then suddenly, it’s over. She changed, but it’s faster than the eye can see. Do they maybe go back to the video and slow it down so we can all see it? Of course not, because there wasn’t anything to see. Then, just in case that wasn’t enough to convince your, they bring out the psychic. The psychic then contacts the reptilians on their homeworld, and the lizard woman proceeds to talk parseltongue with the psychic for several minutes while the team looks on in wonder.
Now that they have all the evidence they need, they decide to hunt them out. But first, it’s off to the firing range, where they shoot some guns. Why? Because he’s Jesse Ventura, and if he wants to shoot guns, he is going to shoot guns. Then they are off to New Mexico, where there is a secret military base just full of reptilians underground about a hundred miles from the Los Alamos labs. They wander around in a field for a while, turning over rocks looking for evidence of a military base, when suddenly, their psychic just goes crazy. That’s right, they brought another psychic. She can sense the reptilians, and they don’t want her around. After calming her down, they find their tunnel. Only, it’s got water flowing out of it. Lots of water, almost like it’s a viaduct or something.
Jesse’s had enough now, so he contact’s Alex Jones, and they meet up behind a dumpster. Alex tells Jesse to find David Icke. David Ike is the one who broke the reptilian conspiracy after claiming to be the son of god on a British TV show. Jesse worries that he may not be able to find him, since he moves around a lot. He makes it sound like his movements are for his own protection, but no, it’s just because he goes on speaking tours and to conventions.
Now, so far, this show has been worse than a train wreck. Just when you thought the train wreck couldn’t get any worse, the fuel car explodes. Only now, in a surprise move, Jesse comes back down to earth. He meets Icke and starts asking him questions, and Icke, does his best not to answer any of them. After Jesse asks Icke if he has made it all up for money (he gets about $2 mil a year from this shit), Icke storms out. Jesse ends the show saying how he believes that it’s all a crock and mourns that there are people that are so desperate to believe anything that they will buy into this garbage.
Even with Jesse Ventura redeeming himself in the end by pissing off David Icke and saying how ridiculous the idea of reptilians was, it was probably the stupidest thing I have ever watched on TV. It does make me hopeful for a 2016 Jesse Ventura Presidential run, because I would love to see him bring shit like this up in a debate.