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Dracula 3000: I watched it so you don’t have to.

Dracula_3000_movie_poster

I originally mistook this a s a sequel to Dracula 2000.  This was a huge mistake.  It’s a completely separate film and has nothing to do with the other.  Where Dracula 2000 is an ok contemporary vampire movie, Dracula 3000 is a terrible sci-fi movie with an anachronistic vampire in it. As a word of warning, this will be full of spoilers, but since you don’t want to watch this movie anyway, it shouldn’t matter.

The film opens with a recording of Udo Kier, who you may remember from several other classic vampire movies. I would say that he is maybe a little out-of-place among the rest of the cast, but this is actually the extent of his work.  He stood in front of a camera, and they recorded him saying maybe 10 minutes of exposition, then added some CG hologram to the video.

The sad part, is that this is probably the best part of the movie.

The sad part, is that this is probably the best part of the movie.

Next we meet the crew of Mother III, a space faring salvage ship.

Crew of Mother III - Dracula 3000

Within minutes you begin to wonder just how this group of people got hired. A crew of misfits is one thing, but these guys? I have no idea how in the hell these guys ever managed to work together.

 

Humvee never wants to do anything productive and when he’s needed most, he’s even less productive. 187 is either getting high, or talking about getting high. Humvee and 187 also hang out because they’re brothers (racially speaking, a point they make several times through the movie). Aurora constantly reminds people of what laws apply and why what they are doing is wrong. Mina is the first one they send into the ship that they know nothing about, even though she is the only one that can navigate their own ship back home. The only person that is worth anything on the crew is The Professor, but he’s also the least capable when it comes to a salvage operation.

The story kicks off with the crew receiving word that the Demeter, a ship from the planet Transylvania in the Carpathian System that disappeared 50 years ago has resurfaced, and they want to be the first to reach it so they can claim the salvage and the millions that would come with it. Nobody seems to care that the vessel is running under its own power even though there isn’t any crew. It’s almost like there are no horror movies a thousand years in the future.

Once on board, they find the Captain Varna, who you’ll remember from the intro, and several subsequent viewings of his final recording. He’s long dead by now though, and all they find are his mummified remains.

Captain Varna - Dracula 3000

The crew are confused by the weird metal plus sign in his hands. Seriously, 187 is actually excited that this guy may have just really been into mathematics. Thankfully, Captain Van Helsing is also an expert on history, and he remembers what a cross is. You see, crucifixes have been illegal for 200 years. There is some minor speculation as to why the captain of the ship has tied himself to the chair and is clutching an illegal religious symbol, but it’s all forgotten when they realize that if they salvage the ship, they stand to make $15 million.

187 drags Humvee off in search of all the fancy pot that they had before the FDA started to regulate it. Eventually, they come to a room full of coffins.

3000 draculas

Mina shows up to bring the guys back, but 187 just cannot resist the lure of all that hidden pot. Unfortunately, he doesn’t find any pot, what he does find makes him scream like a little girl and brings the rest of the crew running. When Coolio comes to, he really shows us just how great of an actor he is.

You may want to watch that again, just to make sure that you got it all.

187 then chases Aurora for a while, before returning to his master

Did you see the costume on Dracula? The cape looks worse than what you’d find in the costume isle in the dollar store. It’s the year 3000, everybody else is wearing some kind of futuristic outfit, why the hell is Dracula dressed like that? Vlad Tepes lived in the 1400s, this costume is 1600 years out of date. In a movie of crap, this stands out as being the most ridiculous.

Dracula then corners Aurora as she is still fleeing from 187, even though 187 stopped chasing her to have a chat with his master.

This brings us to the big reveals of the movie. Aurora reveals that the reason she wasn’t turned into a vampire is because she’s an undercover robot cop. Van Helsing reveals that he saw the captains log and that the entire crew of the Demeter fell to the vampires. The Professor did some researching on the future’s version of Wikipedia to see who Dracula is and discovers that the captain is the ancestor of the same Van Helsing that originally defeated Dracula.

They decide that their best chances are going to be to pilot the Demeter to a pair of binary stars to get some sunlight, all while defending themselves with a few broken pool cues. Both 187 and Mina get staked and finished before Van Helsing makes his stand against Orlock.

Yup, that was the big fight scene. It’s all down hill from here, which is actually quite impressive. Every time this movie makes you think that it’s the worst it could ever be, it’s ready to sink just a little lower.

Humvee and Aurora show up in a little, only to have to stake their now vampiric captain. Following which, they she stabs the also vampiric Professor with Varna’s crucifix.

Now, all that’s left are Humvee and Aurora. They head for the bridge, chased the whole way by Orlock. The two barely manage to get inside, catching the vampire’s arm in the door as they close it. Thankfully, Humvee is really freaking strong, and after pulling really hard, he closes the door, severing Orlock’s arm in the process.

Dracula-Defeated---Dracula-3000

Aurora and Humvee head over to the console and see that they have 12 hours left before they crash into the binary stars, and neither of them know how to pilot the ship.

So what happens now? Do they go out and finish the Count? Does the count somehow control the one that was cut off and somehow open the door?

No, they reveal that Aurora used to be a sexbot, and an incredibly horny Humvee carries her off for 12 hours of humping. Or they would have 12 hours of humping if it didn’t instantly cut to one final video from Captain Varma, following which the ship explodes.

And there you have it, possibly the worst ending to a terrible movie that I have watched in a long while. I don’t know what’s worse, the fact that I sat through the whole movie, or the fact that I thought maybe there would be something good at the end.

Don’t believe how bad this movie is? Then check it out yourself.

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