Rss

  • redit
  • youtube
  • google

Evilspeak – I watched it so you don’t have to

Evilspeak-poster

Evilspeak is a movie that shows what happens when you bully a computer nerd with access to ancient occult texts. It was also one of Anton LaVey’s favorite movies as he believed it was a good portrayal of Satanism. But mostly, Evilspeak is a bad movie.

The movie opens on the Spanish coast sometime in the past. It’s here that we are introduced to Father Esteban as he is being excommunicated and banished from Spain. Father Esteban is played by Richard Moll, who you may remember as Bull from Night Court, or Xusia the titular evil sorcerer from The Sword and the Sorcerer.  Directly after being told that he is no forbidden from performing mass, the scene cuts to Father Esteban walking before his congregation, and performing a black mass.  A mass which requires that he violently behead an obvious dummy that is supposed to be the woman who just showed everybody her boobs.

On a side note, if this is an accurate portrayal of Satanism, as LaVey says, then what the hell is wrong with you people?  You get one hot girl to show up at the party, and you cut her head off as soon as she takes her top off?  I thought you were supposed to be the cool kids?

Anyway, they use this to transition, rather abruptly I might add, to the present day.

Worst-Ritual

Welcome to the West Andover Military Academy.  Home to some of our country’s greatest future solders, and our country’s worst soccer player.  Our introduction to this story’s hero, is with a spectacular soccer loss (The final score was 2-1, but I think that still counts as spectacular in soccer).  After the game, everybody picks on Stanley Coopersmith (Clint Howard), even the fat kid pushes him as he limps off the field.  From there, we are treated to more bullying in the locker room, where the coach makes it known to his team mates that the only way for them to win, is if Coopersmith doesn’t play, and the only way he doesn’t play, is if something were to happen to him before the next game.

That right there pretty much sets the stage for the rest of the movie.  His class mates hate him.  His coach hates him.  Colonel Kincaid mentions him as a welfare case who is only in the school so they can get more money.  And the very next thing we see him doing is looking for Reverend Jameson so he can begin his punishment detail.

Speaking of which, while looking for the reverend, he pauses in the chapel to look at this painting.

Estaban

Now, let’s be honest here, if you are ever in a church, and you see this painting on the wall, there is only one proper response.  You run away as fast as you can and/or burn the church down.  Any church that houses a portrait like this, is bound to have some kind of deep, dark, evil secret that should never see the light of day.

Coopersmith doesn’t do this however, no, he walks into the dark catacombs beneath the chapel.  It’s here that we are greeted by the cheerful janitor.

It turns out that the Janitor, is actually a Sargent.  How the hell this drunk got promoted to Sargent, I’ll never know, but I guess that’s just the kind of school this is.

Coopersmith goes on to clean the basement, while Sargent Janitor goes back to his porno mags.

But first, let’s follow the good reverend up to the chapel, and that creepy painting.  If you thought the painting looked like a certain Satanic Priest that fled to the new world after beheading a topless chick, then you’d be right.  In a timely piece of exposition, we learn that Father Estaban actually built the school after fleeing the Spanish Inquisition.

Now, back to the basement, Coopersmith has found a secret room behind a poorly bricked up door.  It’s filled with the normal things you would expect to find in a satanic temple.  You’ve got your weird monster heads, jars with fetuses in them, musty old books, and of course, a satanic bible hidden on a shelf.

After a few more scenes of everybody in the school hating Coopersmith, we move to the computer lab.  And since every computer in 1982 came equipped with Google Translate, he just types some of the text onto a blank screen, followed by the word translate.

Evilspeak - Computer translator

This is the point where most people would throw the book away, and never go into the creepy basement again.  But this is a terrible horror movie, so he just keeps on translating.

But he can’t translate for long though, since he’s got an appointment with the Colonel for some more punishment…

In his rush to leave, Coopersmith doesn’t realize that he’s dropped his new Satanic bible. The secretary, who appears to enjoy a good spanking, tries to pry the pentagram off the cover. This drives the school pigs wild.

What’s that? I didn’t mention the school pigs? Well, they didn’t mention them either, but it appears that the school has pigs, and they don’t like when the book is damaged.

Fast forward through more bullying from students and teachers, and Stanley finally makes a new friend. The school cook makes him a steak, then shows him the dog he keeps in the kitchen, and it’s littler of puppies. Coopersmith takes the runt of the littler for himself, making a little bed for it in his secret satanic dungeon.

A dungeon which he proceeds to fix up, going so far as to steal(? I don’t think it ever says how he got it actually) a computer from the library and turn it into an altar.

Evilspeak - Computer Altar

He performs a ritual, following the prompts on his computer, but gets hung up on the parts asking for blood from a consecrated host. He can’t seem to get the ritual right, but he’s got some friends and a puppy, things are starting to look up for Stanley Coopersmith.

Then Sarge finds his little satan room, and discovers that Stanley stole his crowbar. Sarge threatens to break the puppy’s neck, then he threatens to show Stanley how he makes little boys, into little girls. Thankfully however, the computer had SATAN.EXE installed, and it was able to put a stop to the fight.

Hey, remember that cute secretary? Well, we’re about an hour into the movie, and I think they just realized that we haven’t really had much gratuitous nudity.

Evilspeak - BOOBS

She strips down to her panties in the living room, then proceeds up the stairs to take a shower.

Where she’s eaten by pigs.

Evilspeak - Eaten by pigs

Now that we have that behind us, it’s back to the school, where they are having a pep rally for the big game. They crown Miss Heavy Artillery. And Coopersmith’s classmates, all full of pep and alcohol, make their way into the chapel, where they kill his puppy. You know, typical teenage high jinks…

SATAN.EXE is freaking out, flashing about blood and consecrated hosts on the screen, only to discover that puppy blood won’t do, it must be human blood.

Coopersmith returns to his lair, finding it in shambles, and his puppy dead, but hey, his satanic bible re-appears, so at least he’s got that.

He tries to perform the ritual once more, but is interrupted by his Latin teacher. With his new-found satanic strength (yeah, I don’t remember seeing him get this new power either), Stanley picks the teacher up and throws him into a strategically placed spiked chandelier. With the human blood provided (don’t ask why Sarge’s blood wouldn’t work), Stanley is now infused with the powers of Esteban, meanwhile, above him in the chapel, the whole soccer team is gathered in one place for their pregame service.

Stanley explodes through the floor, he flies around the room cutting people down with his new satan sword.

The whole movie can pretty much be summed up as: The school is full of dicks, Stanley is bullied until he summons the Satan with his computer and kills everybody. There really isn’t a lot to this movie other than Stanley being the bullied by someone, or Stanley working with SATAN.EXE

I think Satan is actually the good guy in this movie. Sure, he sent pigs to eat the one naked girl in the movie, but she stole a book, so she was far from innocent. Plus, he killed Sarge the Janitor, who I’m pretty sure was a pedophile.

Still interested? Feel free to watch it yourself, just don’t’ say I didn’t warn you…