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I hate marathons

Print I hate the Pittsburgh Marathon. Every year, they close off streets to create an inescapable ring around the city, preventing anybody with legitimate business from doing anything that needs to get done for half the day.

Work on Sunday? Well I hope you don’t have to commute far. Got a doctor’s appointment? Well, you better get a hotel room the night before so you can make it.

Seriously. They close down every damn street with no provision for those of us who need to get shit done. Even the cops who are there at the road blocks don’t have any clue what is going on or what people are supposed to do to get anywhere they need to go. One cop directed me back to a street that was blocked off (when I told him that it was blocked, he said, “No, no, just go down there and make a right, you’ll be fine…” I wasn’t), others just flat out stated that they didn’t have any idea where to go. Shouldn’t they work something out so that the city can still function?

Last year, I couldn’t even get to the hospital. That’s right, I could not get to the FREAKING HOSPITAL, but at least then I was able to find a place where they were letting cars through when there weren’t any runners. This year there was nothing like that at all. Essentially, we had to wait until the marathon was over before we could go about our business. To make matters worse, the only place open on our side of the barriers where we could wait was some hippie vegan restaurant. I ordered the one thing on the menu that lacked tofu, while my girlfriend (who, while awesome, was at one time a vegetarian herself), was quite happy with her tofu scrambled egg substitute with a side of something that you’d have to be high to confuse with bacon. I’ll tell you this though, for hippies, they weren’t above gouging me $2.25 for a regular can of pop.

At one point, our dirty hippy waiter was surprised to hear that my awesome shirt was several years old because it was so nice and didn’t look very lived in, I stated that it’s because I do laundry, and bathe…

Girlfriend suggested that we leave at that point…

But that’s enough complaining about hippies, let’s get back to complaining about the marathon again.

One of my friends asked if I had paid attention to the signs posted around the city for weeks before hand when I complained on Facebook. As someone who ran in the marathon, she apparently took offense to my anger. The answer, of course, is that I have indeed seen signs about the marathon. It’s just that life doesn’t stop because people want to run until they shit themselves though.

Marathons Suck11

Just because they put up signs, it doesn’t mean that it’s any less incontinent when the marathon finally comes around.

The real problem here, is that the city isn’t designed for a marathon. I don’t know how Boston or New York do things, but I’m pretty sure that people can still get around the city when things are going on. This is because the city was actually planned from the start to allow for different things to happen as they laid out the streets and such. Pittsburgh wasn’t planned. They got a bunch of people drunk and let them pave roads how they saw fit, and we wound up with the city they built. We don’t have a grid system. There aren’t really any “blocks” like other cities, we have a few triangles, some trapezoids, and maybe a parallelogram or two. We don’t really have overpasses or tunnels to allow people to keep moving around things like this. They block off a couple of roads around here, and we are all screwed.

Screwed so that people can feel the high they get from bleeding from the nipples…

This is what marathons are about. Bloody nipples, diarrhea, and pissing off everybody that lives anywhere near your route…