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Miley Cyrus is not Hannah Montana

Miley Cyrus 01

I watched Miley Cyrus’s performance at the VMAs and her latest video, and there is one thing that really just blows my mind. No, it’s not the teddy bears, the foam finger, or even the twerking. No, it’s all the people out there who can’t seem to tell the difference between Miley Cyrus and Hannah Montana.

Let me explain something to you. Hannah Montana doesn’t exist in real life. Miley Cyrus is an actress who played Hannah Montana for a time period. During this time, she was under a contract with Disney. This contract dictated not only that she would perform on her TV show and on stage, but also contains other clauses that dictate behavior while off the set. You may remember clauses like these as the ones that got Charlie Sheen fired from Two and a Half Men. Now that Miley is out of that contract, she is free to do what ever she wants to do, and that’s exactly what she is doing.

I’ve noticed a lot of people don’t seem to understand this. These are the same people who are getting all worked up about a picture of a woman pointing a fake gun at a baby. They are the same ones that say that violent video games will make you kill people. And lastly, they are the ones who can’t seem to understand why a young girl who was contractually obligated to act a certain way and to play a role on TV , may become a different person once that contract is up. Even the completely sane and normal Emma Watson cut her hair short because she had felt the need to look like anybody other than Hermione. Hell, look at the cast of Full House. You’ve got Dave Coulier revealing to the world that Alanis Morissette went down on him in a theater and Bob Sagat doing jokes like this:

These are definitely not the kinds of things that I would expect Danny Tanner to say, and I didn’t see a single hug the entire video.

Just because someone plays a part on a TV show, it doesn’t mean that is who they are in real life. This is one of those things that we should be teaching children at a young age. Miley Cyrus shouldn’t have to live out the rest of her life as a Disney Princess because you can’t tell the difference between a character that she played and who she really is. She isn’t a 14-year-old girl anymore, let her grow up.

Of course, part of growing up is having a childhood. There are a lot of child stars out there that never really got to have a real childhood, and it’s fucked them up now as an adult. While I really don’t want to look like I’m picking on the guy, Corey Feldman is a prime example of this. Miley Cyrus is another. I can’t speak to any abuse she may have suffered, though her mother does seem to not be mother of the year material. Add that to her super christian dad and Disney contract and you get a girl who just doesn’t know what sexy is. Some of you are wondering what the hell I’m talking about now, but stay with me here. Miley Cyrus has no idea how to be sexy. One only has to look at her recent performances to see this.

This is “potentially” one of the sexiest videos I have ever seen. By “potentially”, I mean that it really has a shit ton potential to be sexy, but it just falls dead. Miley is a physically attractive woman, so it shouldn’t be difficult to be sexy, right? All she has to do is put on the right outfit…

I think this outfit will do

I think this outfit will do

And it’s instant sexy. She would have to really try to make this not sexy. I mean, she’d have to do something like start licking hammers or something…

and there she goes...

and there she goes…

It’s not that tools or a construction site can’t be sexy, we’ve seen them before in some very sexy videos, it’s really just seems that Miley doesn’t know what to do to. I know she doesn’t choreograph her performances, but at some point, you’d think that she would as why she is cavorting around on a wrecking ball like it’s the funnest thing in the world while she is crying and singing a sad song, or even just asking why she has to make out with a sledge-hammer. I also have no doubt that there are some women out there that could have made it work. Grab a time machine and put an early 90’s Madonna on that stage and it would be hot as hell (just don’t give this same idea to the modern half mummified Madonna, as that would be terrifying).

Sure, you could make some kind of artistic statement about why she did it, but let’s be honest, she didn’t do it to be artistic just like she didn’t masturbate with a foam finger in the middle of a teddy bear playground to be artistic either. The girl just has no clue how to be sexy.

Although, that guy on the left seems to be enjoying the show, so maybe I'm wrong

Although, that guy on the left seems to be enjoying the show, so maybe I’m wrong