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Zombie Baroness in G.I.JOE 3?

BaronessWhen the folks over at IGN were talking to the screenwirters for G.I.JOE: Retaliation, they let slip that they would like to “resurrect the Baroness like a zombie” for the third movie. Now first off, she isn’t dead, just locked up and filled with nanites, so I don’t know why there would be any resurrection, second, it would be completely unnecessary to do so. I’ve already gone into a third G.I.JOE movie a little bit before, but I’d like to go a bit more in depth.   Spoilers ahead…

First, lets start off with where we left the other characters.

Rise of Cobra

In the first movie, we discover that the Baroness was actually Duke’s fiance, who was brainwashed by The Doctor. Both of whom worked for James McCullen. The Baroness is married to Baron DeCobray, and she betrays him in order to “weaponize some nanites”. Meanwhile, Zartan is also filled with nanites, and he infiltrates the White House. At the end, we find that The Doctor orchestrated the whole thing after his supposed death in battle, learning everything he knows from Doctor Mindbender. He gives McCullen his metal head, completing his conversion into Destro. The Baroness is captured and put in jail. And lastly, the Doctor becomes Cobra Commander. Zartan is left in the White House, now in the role as the President. Paris is almost destoryed.

Retalliation

In the second movie, it starts with the Joes coming under attack. Only a handful escape and are now in hiding as they were branded as traitors. Firefly and Storm Shadow help break Cobra Commander out of jail, leaving Destro in his tank. We then see a massive explosion which we assume kills destro. Later, Storm Shadow changes sides and becomes a good guy. Zartan continues to play the president, but gives one important piece of information to the audience. When he cuts his face, it is instantly healed by nanites. Later, Firefly dies, and Zartan is stabbed through the heart. Cobra Commander escapes in the end, and the G.I.JOE team is given medals. London has been destroyed

Now, for the third movie…

Real American Hero

Cobra Commander is on the run, and he needs allies, enter Extensive Enterprises. A large corporation run by twins Tomax and Xamot. They will provide him with arms and funding to continue his terrorist activities. What he doesn’t know, is that the twins are also backed by Baroness DeCobray. Not the one from the first movie though, this is the real Baroness DeCobray, sister to the Baron that was betrayed in the first movie, and she wants revenge. She uses the corporation to draw him out, giving him just enough to keep coming back. She also looks for, and rescues Destro. In the first movie, the only room you see explode is the entrance way, Destro himself was behind the blast door, and he was filled with nanites, making it very easy for him to have survived (his metal face allows us to recast him with someone else now if Christopher Eccleston still refuses to return).

While all this is going on, we see a new batch of JOE team members being trained. I would love for Sgt. Slaughter to fill the role of Drill Sargent, but he may be a little too old for the role he played in the 80s now. This new group can contain more of the other JOEs we loved, they don’t even need to have major roles in this movie, just put them there. Tease us with all the promise of more in subsequent sequels.  Most of the G.I.JOE portions of the movie will be training and recruiting, with the occasional operation run by the veterans.

While G.I.JOE is showing all this awesome unity and how they can work together, Cobra is falling apart. Everything Cobra Commander set into motion was destroyed and his empire is falling apart, but his savior arrives in the form of Zartan, who had been masquerading as middle management in Extensive Enterprises, and he has discovered The Baroness’s plot. Cobra Commander then releases just enough evidence to implicate her, forcing her to actually join forces with Cobra. The twins naturally say they knew nothing of this plot or the Baroness other activities, and are performing an exhaustive inquiry within their corporation to see exactly what was going on, and like any other CEO, they continue on, business as usual.

Zartan’s return also brings us the Drednoks, with the Baroness’s personal security forces further flushing out Cobra’s soldiers. A unified Cobra now attempts their grand scheme, only to fail as infighting at their top ranks ultimately causes their downfall. Cobra leadership escapes while the JOEs celebrate. In the final scene, Destro pulls Baroness aside, and tells her that he has been in talks with a doctor that may have the answer to their problems, and the takes her to a room where Doctor Mindbender (he was never stated to have died in the first movie), and we see lots of genetic information on several computer screens, as well as a large tank (like the ones Destro and Cobra Commander were jailed in) with an anonymous mail form inside it. Mindbender looks up from some charts and says, “The blank is ready, Lord Destro, all it needs now is the proper genetic materials and the catalyst to bring it all to life, and Cobra will have the perfect leader.”

This leads us directly into the fourth movie…

Arise, Serpentor! Arise!

Serpentor will look exactly like he did in the original cartoon, in all his giant snake headed glory.

 

My only other request, is that when casting Baroness, please make sure that you get someone who looks like The Baroness.

baroness 01

She’s a smart, powerful woman, who is willing to kill anybody who gets in her way. She is not Sienna Miller.

  • krowface

    Really I’d sit through a third shitty movie just for that fourth one. And really that’s all the synopsis it would need.